An anonymous participant in the Upper Moreland Community Complaints Facebook page recently asked ChatGPT to roast Willow Grove.

We thought we’d do the same for Glenside, but first, we’re sharing the Willow Grove response (according to the post). Enjoy…

Willow Grove is basically a parking lot with delusions of grandeur. The highlight of the entire town used to be a mall that now feels like a hospice center for dead retail chains. The Willow Grove Mall is where teenage dreams go to die between an Auntie Anne’s pretzel and a half-shuttered Macy’s.

The traffic on Easton Road is a form of psychological torture that should honestly be studied by the CIA. Every strip mall is the same—nail salon, vape shop, dollar store, rinse, repeat. Willow Grove looks like someone asked, “What if suburbia was beige?” and then just stopped trying.

The “attraction” of Willow Grove Park? Please. That amusement park closed in the 70s. Now your biggest thrill ride is dodging potholes and hollering about kids riding bikes and seeing some dog poop.

If you tell someone you’re from Willow Grove, the best they can muster is, “Oh… so near Abington?” or “Isn’t that by the Turnpike exit?” Exactly. You’re not even a destination—you’re a rest stop.

The food scene? Unless you’re into microwaved chain-restaurant appetizers and pizza places that look like fronts for the mob, don’t bother. People here act like a Cheesecake Factory opening was the second coming of Christ.

Willow Grove is basically the middle child of Montgomery County: Abington gets the hospital, Jenkintown gets the charm (and Bradley Cooper) Horsham gets the jobs, and Willow Grove gets… more condos and a mall that peaked in 1998.

Jenkintown has a cozy walkable downtown. Willow Grove’s “downtown” is an Olive Garden next to a Verizon store.

Horsham has an Air Force base—Willow Grove had a base too, but it closed, because even the military didn’t want to stay.

And don’t even try comparing it to Glenside. Glenside has the Keswick Theatre, concerts, nightlife. Willow Grove has a Cheesecake Factory that people treat like a five-star Parisian dining experience.

if the surrounding towns are siblings in an accomplished family, Willow Grove is the one that never left home, spends all day at Wawa, and brags about how “close we are to Philly” like that’s a personality.

ChatGPT’s take on Glenside is as follows:

Oh, Glenside — the place that’s trying so hard to be a “cool Philly suburb” but ends up feeling like a mid‑tier brunch ad.

Here’s your roast:

• For a town of ~1.3 square miles, Glenside sure stretches its ego. It’s like a Big Deal in miniature. Wikipedia
• You brag about being “close to Philly,” yet most people there act like they’re rugged mountain folk — complaining about “the city traffic” while living a 15‑minute train ride away.
• You have vintage storefronts, new breweries, and performance venues — in other words, you can’t decide whether you’re a hipster hub or a retirement community with good acoustics. Homes.com+2Homes.com+2
• The population is under 8,000, but somehow everything is “busy” — meaning: the intersection at Easton & Glenside Avenue is your Times Square. Wikipedia+1
• The median household income in Glenside (~$101k) is great… until you remember how far that goes in the Philly suburbs when everyone’s competing over artisanal toast and micro‑brews. Data USA+1
• And yes, your pride is in your “walkable downtown,” but half the time the sidewalks are clogged with folks taking “scenic strolls” to the one coffee shop.
• You’re so desperate to look cultured that you cling to the Keswick Theatre and arcane performance venues, like “Hey, yes, we do culture here, thank you very much.” Wikipedia+2Homes.com+2
• The split between Cheltenham and Abington townships for school districts is a flex — or maybe it’s just confusing. Either way, nothing screams suburban identity crisis like having two different school routes depending on which side of the street you live on.

But hey — at least Glenside tries. It’s like the friend who wears a leather jacket over sweatpants and insists they’re “edgy.”

Feel free to let us know which one you liked better in the comments.

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Photo: federalrealty.com